you look healthy to me
In a world with a set idea of normal,
Being anything but that,
Is more painful than the
“Abnormality” itself.
When your normal
Is rooted in torture, disappointment, and fear.
How can the others relate to your otherness?
The isolation it comes with,
Silence or judgment
Is one better than the other?
And what of the questioning?
The endless questions about your own misery,
The pity, the jokes, and worst
Utter disbelief, that someone can live as you do.
That you truly go through that much
Suffering,
Planning,
Lost Time,
Memories,
Happiness.
No, that cannot be,
“You look healthy to me”
I wish that were true,
But my shell has hardened
And there are no cracks to see through,
To the truth, the never-ending pain,
That my body puts me through.
Everyday
And when there is no one to believe,
Then
There is no one to care,
To help you plan out the rest,
Of your abnormal life,
So you can simply get by,
Without spending more time
In the loop, life has locked you into.
My normal is your hell.
And thus, you can’t imagine,
Can’t walk a day in my shoes,
To see that yes, I do not exaggerate,
Your shock does not make my world untrue,
The validity of my pain,
Can only be spoken in whole
By the one who bares it the most.
Lauren Lenyi is a nineteen-year-old queer, disabled, Jewish woman. She studies literature and writing while working as a tutor and is also an author of the recently released poetry book It Starts with the End.