Exhaling and Inhaling the Light
Anger and shame. He could feel it in his throat, it wasn’t a sensation he was proud of, but it was a sensation, nonetheless. He knew he was bound to lose control sooner or later. He’d rather it be later than sooner. His head pounding at the screaming in his head; begging him to attack, to hurt them before they could hurt him, to leave now before it all came to an end. Leave before they could shove you into a pine box, his heart screamed at him, but he couldn’t be bothered to move an inch. Or rather he had to restrain himself from moving at all. The only thing he couldn’t be bothered to do was put his light out.
Looking down upon the same damned city that spit him out and dragged him back in; he felt himself chuckle a bit at the thought of him believing that he could really leave it all behind. The sound of gravel crushing underneath an intruder’s feet brought him back to the present, forcing him to have more restraint, and to appear relaxed when all he wanted to do was leap from the ledge and leave the damned city. He was slipping and that would be the real death of him. How foolish of him really. Fool him once and that’s his fault.
“Hey, buddy… What’s going on? What are you doing up here? It’s not exactly safe to be up here. You could…” The unwelcoming voice said, their voice wavering with concern and slight curiosity as they took slow and deliberate steps toward him. Ignoring the sudden stop of gravel crunching under the traitor’s steps and the loud gasp that followed; he stubbed out his dying light, brought out his parliaments, and lit himself a new one. He put the light to his lips and took a long drag; his lungs screamed for a breath of release, and he exhaled slowly. He ignored his betrayer as they struggled to get their breathing under control and as they stared at the back of his head; he took another drag.
Inhale. “N-no.” Their voice shook with tones of disbelief. Exhale. “Y-you’re-” Inhale. “J-Jay?” Their voice shook even more before they took a sharp breath and cleared their throat. “Is that you?” Exhale.
He tapped the ashes off, some blowing into the distance as the wind swept through. It was a bit chilly out tonight, good thing he made the right decision and brought a jacket. The mixture of smoke and chilly wind filled his senses, it felt like he was home again. How ironic. His intruder further interrupted his moment of home, gravel crunching under their shoes as they stepped a bit closer.
“Jay? H-how-” Inhale. “ W-what are you doing here?” Exhale.
Jason couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle and took another drag. What was he doing here? Huh? What a funny way to ask him how he’s not six feet underground. What a funny way to greet him home. He took another hit and held the smoke in longer than he should have this time, his lungs screaming at him again. A couple of beats went by, and he stubbed out his cigarette again, finally exhaled the smoke, and let it sink into the seams of his favorite leather jacket and black worn-out jeans. In a way, it felt nice. He looked up at the night sky which was scattered with stars and universes that he could only hope to visit in his dreams. It made him feel alive again at the thought of exploring the lights within the sky. It was a beautiful night; ironic how that was the only good thing that happened that night. Without further delay, Jay got up from the ledge, walked towards his moment ruiner, and spoke,
“Didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to be back home or more so allowed to be alive, Dickie? And I’m doing fantastic, thanks for being the only one who bothered to ask. Pray, tell? What are you doing here? Where’s the rest of ya?” The gravel crunched under his backstabber’s shoes as he stumbled back, caught off guard by Jason’s sudden voice and presence. A flash of guilt and confusion passed over Dick’s face, before it settled on relief. Relief? Now, why would the bastard feel relief? “Ya know what, forget it, don’t even bother to tell me. Now, the thing I wanna know the most is how did ya and the Brady Bunch know I was here? Matter of fact, how can I possibly help with the latest assignment? Since that’s clearly why you’re here right?”
He didn’t have to turn around to know that he hit a soft spot or that the holier-than-thou piece of shit flinched under his patronizing questions. He knew what a dick he was being, no pun intended, but he also knew that he was allowed to do so, especially after what they did to him.
“Of course, you’re allowed home, Jay! We missed you! We- I’ve been waiting for you! Would’ve been nice to get a message or call, we could have thrown a homecoming party or something. And about last time, I know we have our differences but –” He exclaimed, his words desperate and small.
“Differences, dickie!? Are you fucking kidding me?! Differences are when we argue over different sports teams or ice cream flavors! Not leaving me behind when I need you the most!” Jason yelled, anger lacing his voice. “Matter of fact let’s get real for a second, I’d call it, ‘leaving your partner for dead because your boss ordered it’! You left me and now I gotta pick up the pieces, while you continue on with your life! For fucksake, you’re acting like it never happened! Did you miss me when I was alive or possibly dead!? Go on, tell me how much you fucking missed me!?!”
A beat went by, and nothing was said. Soon gravel crushing underneath Dick’s shoe filled the air and then there was nothing. Tch, of course, he left him. Of course. Soon the silence suffocated him in a way that the smoke never could. It made him feel more rage and it proved his point. He shouldn’t want to be here, but here he was. Over and over again. Coming back here after everything was Jason’s mistake. What a fool to believe otherwise. He pulled another parliament, put it to his lips, and he lit the light, and inhaled. Exhale. Inhale. He could feel the smoke wrap around him. The same routine, the same night. The same damn thing. He couldn’t stop the tears from falling as the trembling took over his body, each time he inhaled and exhaled. The smoke felt like home, but his home burned to ashes ages ago.
Author Bio
Alex Lopez Cruz, She/they, Cal state San Marcos, field of study is psychology. Alex Lopez Cruz is a full-time student who in her free time loves to write anything from short stories, poems, to full blown chapter books (that’s if they’re given the time to do so)! She often writes late at night and loves to drink coffee while doing so! They’ll write just about anything, however her favorite genre to write is angst.
